February is the month of love, where couples around the world celebrate their affection for each other. However, the journey to finding love for persons with disabilities can be fraught with challenges, especially stereotypical views of such relationships, of doubts whether individuals with disabilities are able to care or contribute equally in the relationship.
Many persons with disabilities, like their non-disabled peers, also yearn to be in a relationship with a partner who accepts them for who they are. After all, desiring a relationship and intimacy is within everyone’s rights as part of a fundamental human need.
While it is true that there are both similarities and differences between how individuals with disabilities and those without navigate the realm of romance, however for persons with disabilities, the path to finding love can be a complicated process.
The dilemma of disclosure
Transparency and open communication are key in every long and happy relationship. However, for those with disabilities, it involves considering whether to be truthful about their disability from the start. This honest disclosure might deter potential suitors, shrinking the pool of eligible matches as not everyone is open to the idea of dating someone with a disability.
As part of SPD’s public education campaign, UNLABEL 2023, we asked Singaporeans if they would date someone with a disability (above). Of the 100 respondents, most were not closed to the idea but indicated factors such as severity and level of independence, compatibility, and nature of the disability to be important factors before committing to a relationship with a person with disability. To be able to participate in each other’s interests equally is important for many of the respondents.
Bjorn Ng (above) was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and he struggled with social cues when growing up. When he met his current girlfriend, the 25-year-old had doubts then if she would be willing to deal with potential societal judgement that comes with dating someone with a disability. This led Bjorn to disclosing his disability after they had been talking for some time.
Another consideration by the potential partner may also be their ability to adjust to the “quirks” or “impairments” that the individual has. “If a person with autism does not maintain eye contact in social interactions, does this quirk make you more hesitant to talk to him/her because you think that you are not being heard?”, Bjorn shared.
However, it is possible to be transparent and communicate clearly. Bjorn had explored different ways of improving communication between them. For example, Bjorn’s girlfriend would tell him how she would like to be supported when she faces challenges rather than remaining ambiguous. The couple has been together for three years and their relationship is going stronger by the day.
Balancing life’s priorities
In any romantic relationship, an individual, with or without disability, will need to consider factors such as values, life goals and aspirations to determine the potential success of the relationship. Persons with disabilities may face daily struggles in ensuring financial sufficiency or managing recurring health problems, and these considerations could limit their bandwidth in relationships. They may prioritise their basic needs over relationships and dating which they consider as “good to have”.
Diagnosed with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, 28-year-old Shalom Lim struggles with independence sometimes and managing responsibilities. “Finding love or being in a relationship intertwines with all the challenges, thus impacting us emotionally and our ability to commit,” adds Shalom.
“Some of us are too busy putting out fires everyday such as health problems, thus it can be a challenge to be able to form new relationships, whether platonic or romantic. Many of us also feel socially disenfranchised due to unique problems faced as persons with disabilities and the lack of available support and solutions.”
For the relationship to work out, Shalom, who is in a relationship for eight months now, believes there must be open communication and a clear understanding of each other’s boundaries, emotional triggers, lifestyle preferences, and how best can they accommodate each other regardless of disabilities or sensory impairments.
Beyond barriers: More love and acceptance
According to SPD senior social worker, Angela Chung, the acceptance and support of family members play a significant role in the successes of relationships for persons with disabilities. However, stemming from genuine concern for their loved one’s well-being, it is not uncommon for parents and caregivers to be over-protective and may appear unsupportive of such romantic developments.
For potential partners, this dynamic adds an additional layer of complexity to their journey towards love. Angela added that persons with disabilities must navigate not only the intricacies of relationship building but also the need to reassure and earn the trust of their partner’s family. Thoughtful gestures, such as proactively involving the parents in the relationship-building process and demonstrating a sincere commitment to their partner’s well-being, can help bridge the gap and foster understanding.
The road ahead
The growing awareness for the needs of persons with disabilities among Singaporeans is encouraging, indicating a step closer towards a more inclusive society. As understanding increases through greater interaction with people with disabilities, it will become easier to break down social barriers between those with and without disabilities.
Therefore, with the right support and encouragement, persons with disabilities can still embark on their own journey towards happily ever after, where love knows no limits. By fostering conversations about love, providing the right support, and encouraging societal acceptance, persons with disabilities can overcome these difficulties for a happily ever after.
This article was written with inputs from Bjorn Ng, Shalom Lim, SPD senior social worker Angela Chung.
